I’ve been told for years, “Watch this Jacob or watch that Jacob.” I’m a man who trusts his peers, for the most part. Having said this, trustworthy peers show their true taste at the suggestion of “Twilight Saga.” At any point, it’s been a referral that has been met with opposition and disinterest on my part. I pride myself on this principle, it never seemed well done, just some gimmick for the people my age to blindly adhere to. In shorter words, without ever seeing or attempting to see it, I hated “Twilight.”
However, I’m also a man easily swayed by his affections, even in regards to matters of such principle. So finding myself infatuated with my partner, falling, broadening, learning, etc. the prospect eventually rose “let’s watch ‘Twilight’” she says. I’m hesitant, I admit to never seeing it. She proceeds to utter the most mind-altering and revolutionary phrase, “It’s a great hate watch”. For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Hate Watch” is an act of film viewership in which you view for the purpose of satire at the film’s expense. So having hated “Twilight” so long I stepped into the corridor I’d never intended to; I did so hatefully, joyously, excitedly.
Getting into the bulk of it, I want to make sweeping observations from the jump. Every single film in the series is essentially the same exact thing, some sort of emotional unavailability either from Edward (Robert Pattinson) or Bella (Kristen Stewart). Then sprinkle in some sun plot pseudo third wheel romance with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and some weird ancient vampire organization, and you have an irritatingly formalistic film.
I won’t speak as if I understand the books: I’m sure they follow the general rule that the original content is better. That being said, after having watched each film this past month, they are so unbelievably poor. Starting with the performance of the only somewhat redeeming source –Pattinson — despite suffering from the same plague of basic and cliche quips of dialog — his quality as a performer still provides a real stoic and borderline compelling aura. Outside of this, not a single performance dawns the torch of art. Stewart has no idea what to do with her face or any part of her body she relies on 2009 punk teen body language and angsty, emotionally unintelligent communication skills just to drag herself into carrying around a CGI baby for the last film. Next, why in the world is the baby CGI in the end? If you weren’t already taken out of the film by Jacob (who is supposed to be Native in the film, set in Washington state), saying “where you been loca” (which is Spanish), then the digitally produced child will definitely destroy the experience for you. The film is carried on a thread by its soundtrack, spending the “hire an actual baby” money they had on it. It features a very well-fit composition of bands such as Bon Iver, Death Cab For Cutie, Grizzly Bear, Bruno Mars, Iron and Wine, Passion Pit, Paramore, Linkin Park, and many more. The only time you feel within the world is when no one is speaking and it merely becomes a montage with music over it.
“Twilight” is the product of everything that has become wrong with the Hollywood blockbuster; no longer are these the days of “Raiders of The Lost Ark,” “The Godfather,” or “Pulp Fiction.” Instead, we are left with the attempt at mass-produced, heartthrob lobing, youth swooning, image-centric films in which the stylistic integrity and intricacy has lost their value. It’s bizarre, considering the careers stars Stewart and Pattinson have had, earning nominations and respect for their craft.
However, inquisition often leads to disappointment. “Twilight” is a film best viewed with hate.
2/10 imprinted upon CGI children.